I am crazy? Am I crazy?

So I just gave up my $20+/hr job last week. I still can't believe it. Shouldn't I be happy? Isn't this what I've wanted for so long? To be able to spend the weekends with my boys, to go to church, to actually watch a football game? Okay, I don't even like football but you get the point. I've worked nearly every weekend for the past 6 1/2 years. It was time for a change. I instead have traded my stable full time job for a PRN position at my hospital. What that means is I am not guaranteed any set hours. My manager will email me available hours every 3 months and I better carry my planner with me at all times, strapped to me in some way, so that I can jump on them and get them before the other PRN vultures do.

You might be asking why I would quit a full-time job in this lovely economy? Or maybe you don't even care. If it's the latter then stop reading this and go do something better with your time, like watch a Harry Potter movie, yeah, that's fun :> If it's not the latter then here goes....

I really don't know the answer to that. I might actually be a crazy person and just not know it. My life has been so screwed up since my brother committed suicide in June 2010. I didn't think it would tear me up like this. So I'll be sad, give it a year and all better. NO, hell NO, that's not how it works unfortunately. I have always thought of myself as a strong person. Someone who doesn't take any crud from anyone, I stand my ground. Lately I'm too tired to care, too tired to give a bleep. I've let people walk all over me. What I really am is a confused depressed miserable person who doesn't know what I want out of this life. I'm just afraid that I will stay this way forever because it's easier to be like this, in my comfy little secure fluffy bubble of miserableness. It's great here, really, or so I think.

Well, that was dark and gloomy, but true.

Let see about mentioning some of the fabulous things that are in my life:

Colton 4, Triston 9 & Landon 2

These are the folks that keep me going. They may just look like a few pip-squeaks to you but you're wrong. They are my everything. When I don't want to do anything but sit around and cry these guys are my happy thought. Yeah, they are pretty amazing little people. 

Triston is already 9 years old and doing great in school rockin' straight A's. He loves to draw and invent board games. Very intelligent. Colton is 4 years and in his first year of preschool. Apparently he is very quiet there, for me this is scary because I know him. He's plotting, waiting, for just the right time to strike. I'm expecting 'the phone call' any day, you know, to come and pick him up and not bring him back. I love him so much but he IS up to something, possibly world domination. Hopefully he'll let me be a princess when this happens. I want a pony too. Landon is 2, my little Lando. He's growing up so fast. Talking, playing, learning. He also looks innocent. God makes them this way for a reason. Cute and fluffy while they are figuring everything out. Biting you, hitting you, breaking your expensive bottle of perfume, putting anything they can get their hands on into the toilet and trying to flush it before you get there and then laughing with those huge eyes planted in that megamind head. They have this going for them until about age 5 when God makes them not so fluffy and cute anymore. By then He figures they should have most of the rules figured out and they do, usually. If they don't that's okay for us, the parents, their teachers at school get to fix any where we went wrong. This is how He keeps the world populated. It's genius, really.

{I'm new to this whole blogging experience so I ask that you be gentle. I'm sensitive, like a rash really in a sense that I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'm going to pop up here, there and yep, maybe even THERE. I have no idea what I'm even doing here but I'm here and I'm going to make you grammar freak people itch everywhere. I'm random. Welcome to randomness. Like it or I'll hi-five your face. xoxo}